- 13/10/2024 -

i wish i could watch zero day for the first time again.
i've lost count of how many times i've seen it atp, it's just so easy to take ur mind off of things and go back to yk?
i wouldn't call it my favorite movie or anything, but i still think it's great.
wish i could describe what i was feeling the first time i watched it :/

hmm now that i think about it, i'm kinda hesitant to label anything as my favorite??
either i've got rlly high standards for movies, or i just don't want to be judged over my likes lol..

i hate to talk about my interests tbh.
i own a bunch of band t-shirts, but i never wear them out because i fear people's opinions and i don't want any stares. i wish it wasn't like this, but i just get rlly anxious about it. i know it's silly but,, yeah- what can i do?
anyway kiinda back to my og point, nothing fills me with more cringe, than strangers asking about hobbies, music, interests.. it's happened alot with colleagues n the like- i understand they're just trying to be polite and everything,
but i just.. don't wanna talk about myself??? woww i knoww :O ...

idk what's wrong with me, or why i'm like this,, i just don't find a point in talking about it with them?
i also somehow think i don't deserve the space or time to occupy with my own shit?
does that even make sense?? no it doesn't..

well anyway this entry is really stupid, i kinda regret writing this-
also.. i feel a bit self-conscious about writing so often and so much.
i've seen other online-diaries on here, and you'd have to count urself lucky if they've even gotten an entry each month.
it seems like everyone else writes a lot less than me, and that makes me feel odd, out of the ordinary.
i'm just very used to writing random stuff, and it almost feels like a compulsion to me. i really enjoy it.
haha i just started thinking, this has gotten out of hand- i have a real, traditional diary too, and i've written into it almost daily these past few days. i think i might be writing a bit too much :[

uhhh anyway i've finally run out of things to say. this is bad.
i bet i'll be back in a day or so.. also i need to change the layout and everything, it's so ugly.
bye.

- 10/10/2024 -

ten out of ten, would recommend.

i checked how this looks on mobile, and well.. it's shit!!! :D
idk why, but when i use the br tag, the text within it is smaller?? and it only happens on mobile???
it won't stop me from using it though!!
everything is so ugly.
this text too. this especially.

anyway so i've never been very smart, and i don't have the usual problem solving skills. i usually just do something and see if it works, and if it doesn't, i simply give up-.
i find it rlly peculiar tho and i'll probably find the reason eventually. i'm stupid, so the reason might be obvious to others. but i wanna figure it out on my own. anyway when i tried to fix it, the music player's style changed and a bunch of shit so... :[

ah i feel like a failure x3
i'm so embarrassed

this will never be mobile friendly, i don't think i even want it to. but it looks so goddamn bad and disorganized and i fucking hate it. fuck fuck fuck

alright, until next time. cheerio!

- 9/10/2024 -

so- first entry eh?

tbh idk what i'm supposed to write about. i feel a mixture of emotions rn. i feel immense gratitude for everything i've achieved so far, and i'm so happy about how life keeps changing. but with some things i don't think i'll get used to change. i know this doesn't make much sense, and i know that you all (whoever ends up reading this) won't rlly get what i mean, but i'm just gonna pour my thoughts on here anyway.

idk how i feel about the idea of total strangers reading my most personal thoughts, and i don't like the vulnerability i'm expressing. but somehow i'd still want someone to hear me out yk? and maybe by putting this out there, someone else might relate to it, and find it helpful or something?? we'd all feel less alone if we just told each other how we feel...

anyway back to my original point. change.

i feel a bit sappy, and it's so silly. i shouldn't feel the way i do.
so basically i rlly miss one of my old friends, jennifer. i really really hope she doesn't come accross this at any point, because i'm sure she doesn't feel the same way as i do, and even if she did, then what? nothing's gonna change, we won't see each other again, and life just goes on yk? recently i've just felt nostalgic and i keep thinking about what-if's and stuff like that. how life would be different if i did xyz instead, and if my life would be more complete. i also think i was a shit friend. i'm so sorry.- you said it was all okay, and you told me i didn't do anything wrong, but i still feel guilty and all. i'm also worried about you. i don't think i've ever seen you happy, at least not when i still knew you :(

did life change for the better when you moved away? do you still hate your mother? how do you feel in general?
i wish i could ask you abt all these things, but i don't think anything will change how we are now. you're too far away, and i think once that connection is gone, u can't rlly get it back.. the times we've spoken again, it's just been different.
lol i actually wrote a poem about it a while ago. i wish it wasn't like this. we were fair-weather friends, yk the types that just send a message or a card during christmas to show each other they aren't fully forgotten, but still not close enough to talk about anything? yeah..
later i just kinda gave up, i'm sorry about that. i just thought you didn't (well probably don't..) wanna hear from me anymore, and i figured you had other stuff going on in your life.

i feel like everyone else can move on but me. and that makes me so pathetic. writing about shit like this is lame, but i wanted it out of my system i guess.. i might delete this later.
i'll try not to mope anymore, i need to look forward instead. i'll... work on that :P

alright lastly, i hope you're doing well jennifer. i really hope you're feeling better, i don't want anything bad to happen to you. i hope you live a happy and fulfilling life, and i'm so sorry for everything.

that's it for now. i'll write again sometime.